The Belief System That Quietly Runs Your Life

I just got off the call with another client who told me that the reason they can’t pursue the life they really want to live is because they are the sole bread winner for their family and that attempting to do what they really want to do is too risky. So what do they choose to do? They continue to work in a job that does not recognize their strengths and abilities, to let someone else drive the vision for their work, and keep feeling unfulfilled or miserable.

I get it, I struggled with a similar narrative. I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years, working part-time as a college professor to try and keep myself relevant and ready to launch into the workforce full-time after my kids were old enough to care for themselves. And then life happened and I got divorced. All of a sudden, the time to get a job and benefits and figure out how to support myself was the present moment, rather than the future. I thought that because I had current work experience, two college degrees, and making progress towards a PhD that I should be able to find a job that would at least pay the bills without living in poverty. Boy, was I wrong and it was heartbreaking.

After spending several thousand dollars on a career coach and after many job applications, networking phone calls, and multiple rejections, I finally landed a full-time customer-service job whose only education requirement was a high school diploma. The job was pure misery for me, and it didn’t pay enough to cover my basic bills. Fortunately, the child support I was receiving at the time helped cover the portion that my income didn’t. From there I continued to find ways to develop my skills, apply for jobs that I thought would make me happier and feel more fulfilled. I thought that if I could only find a job that would pay me $80,000 then I would feel better about myself, my life, and pay my bills.

A year later I was introduced to the work of Dr. Robert Kegan, a trained psychologist and professor emeritus at Harvard University. Dr. Kegan’s life’s work revolves around psychological transformation in adults throughout their lifespan. In his book titled, “Immunity to Change,” Dr. Kegan explores what is it that prevents people who want to make changes in their life or work from doing so. He points to subconscious processes that run in our minds without our awareness that sabotage our efforts or desires to change. These subconscious thoughts are called limiting beliefs.

Limiting Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are often ideas we have learned through our interactions with loved ones, close friends, co-workers, institutions of which we are apart, and society at large. We learn ideas about what we can or can’t do, who we can or can’t be, what we should or should not have, but what we don’t realize is that those ideas are just thoughts. Even past experiences are brought together by the brain telling scary stories that inform our decisions about the future. These thoughts are not fact, no matter how true they may feel or how true our brain thinks they are, even if they were true once before in a similar circumstance. The most common reason people do not live the life they were meant to have is not lack of opportunity, its unexamined belief systems running beneath their awareness.

Develop Awareness

If limiting beliefs operate beneath conscious awareness, then the question becomes: how do we access a deeper awareness than the one shaped by fear? One method that I have found useful is first, notice when I feel pain or resentment. Generally, painful emotions indicate unexamined beliefs. From there, it is important to differentiate the circumstance from the thought that is creating the pain. You may have heard, said, or thought something similar to the following statements:

“What I really want to do is quit my job and start my own practice/business, but I can’t because I have to have an income and insurance.”

“It’s too risky to do what I want because I’m the primary breadwinner. My whole family is dependent upon my salary.”

“I would like to go back to school, but I’m too busy/it’s too expensive/ I don’t have the energy for it right now.”

“I’m so close to retirement, it’s too late for me to pivot now.”

“If I complete one more certification/degree/LinkedIn Learning Course…, then I will have the expertise I need to take the next step.”

And one of my personal tried and true limiting beliefs,

“I have to wait until the kids are older and can take care of themselves. Then I can do what I want.”

While these statements seem like facts, they are actually thoughts and indicate there is a hidden limiting belief that is keeping us stuck in inaction. The bolded words in the statements are indicators of where to look for limiting beliefs. Free-flow writing or journaling around these types of statements can help bring the limiting beliefs to our awareness. Another effective way to uncover limiting beliefs is to work with a life coach who is trained to recognize limiting beliefs. It takes practice to recognize the limiting beliefs with which we hold ourselves back.

A New Narrative

Once we become aware of the limiting beliefs in our heads, we can decide to redirect our minds to a new narrative, one that is more empowering. How do we know when we have found a new narrative that aligns with our core self? Martha Beck, a well-recognized author and life coach says that if the thought you are having feels like freedom, you are headed in the right direction. Many of us learn not to trust what our body tells us and, in some cases, ignore it completely, but when we tune back into our inner knowing, we become confident, active seekers of our path and in this way, we find the purpose and life we were meant to have.

In short, the most common reason people do not live the life they were meant to have is not lack of time, money, or opportunity. It is an unexamined belief that feels like responsibility and is rooted in fear.

What story are you telling yourself about why you can’t change?

What belief feels like fact but is actually a thought rooted in fear?

Who would you be without that narrative?

These are the types of questions that can be explored through coaching. If you are ready to uncover your limiting beliefs and get reacquainted with your inner self, schedule a free consultation session with me or sign-up on my email list to be the first to know when registration will open for my Wild Inner-Self Exploration (WISE) Retreat scheduled to take place on April 18-23, 2027.

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